I Can't Blog: January 2015

It's something I do every day, pretty much every second and something that I've done since before I can remember.

I bite my nails.

Every now and then I'll attempt to stop biting them, but it always comes back to the same nubby ending. It's been at the point for a while where I don't even notice anymore that I'm biting them, it's apart of life now, I can't go with out it. Now, am I sounding a bit over dramatic about biting my nails? Maybe, but I really am addicted to it so whatever.

So, I'm sitting there after The Fort listening to the Q&A session with Adam Donyes, I'm biting my nails and listening to everything that is being said and I look down at my nails, or lack of. Even when I don't have any nail to bite at, I still continue to try and find some part of it I can attack with my teeth. I looked at my nubs for a little and thought of something. This is how I want my faith and life to look like. Now, maybe I'm going a little to far to try and make a metaphor for faith, but it's honestly what immediately came to mind, so I'm gonna roll with it.

I do it so much I forget I'm doing it, it's so much apart of life that it's changed the appearance of my nails from normal, non-bitten nails, I always know that even if it looks like there is no nail to bite, I will find something. Okay, yes, after typing this all out I've realized how kind of gross and just weird this is, but again, still going to roll with it because it makes sense in my mind.

I want to be faithful and so much in the word that I don't even notice that I'm doing it anymore (not in a "I don't want to know I'm doing it" but more in a like "it's become so natural that I don't even think of it as something that I need to do and so it's just like muscle memory and so natural to do") I want to be changed by Christ to where, like my nails, I don't act or look like I did before. How do I do that though? Well, I assume it means actually putting it into play after I click the Publish button on this blog. I assume it means being in the Word daily and constantly praying and working on my relationship with Christ. I assume it means walking rather than talking. It's something I've always struggled with actually committing to, it's a good thing I'm at a place where we do that every day then, get it into practice before I leave so it's that muscle memory thing I was talking about. Right?

We're gonna start this shen-dig off with this:

"Make as many friends as you can, but don’t build your life on them alone. It’s an unstable foundation." - Sean Covey

There were a few friendships that I had that I built my life on. I didn't know it at the time, but it's become clear to me after the friendships have ended, how much I truly depended on them. I went to them for approval and my confidence depended on how they viewed me. They probably didn't know it, actually, I'm almost positive that they didn't know just how much I relied on them. To make a long story short, one of the friends was a guy I dated and the other was a woman who was like a mentor to me for years and someone I could always go to for advice. They ended up dating, I'm left on the side hated by both because of rumors going around saying that I was talking bad about them. The reason I tell this story isn't to put them on blast, they aren't going to read this, not many people even know who they are. I say this because people aren't perfect and they make mistakes and they yell at you. The good thing about all this is that there is one who is perfect and will never make a mistake and will never leave you and will always be there for you no matter what has happened.

Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10 says: "feat not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Is that not comforting? In times when you feel broken down, when things just aren't going how you want them, when you feel like you just can't go on anymore. "I will strengthen you, I will help you". Having my best friend and the girl who I went to for everything tell me they don't want to be a friend to me at all anymore for dumb rumors that were spread, that hit pretty hard. Not gonna lie, I spent countless nights crying, unsure of why this would happen, confused on if I even wanted them in my life at all anymore, I was a wreck. Thankfully, I go to this amazing school that assigns books for us to read over break. The book that I was assigned to read (along with the other students going to fiji) is one called Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. It's a great book and I highly recommend it. Anyway, while reading it, a certain quote jumped out at me and slapped me in the face.

“Your pain could be God prying open your life and heart to remove a gift of His that you've been holding on to more dearly than Him.” - Jesus + Nothing = Everything

It hit me. It was absolutely right. I had been holding onto those friends, the guy in particular, and shoving God way way down below him. My priorities were wack, my judgment clouded, these friendships weren't healthy or fruitful. So, how can I be mad about what happened when what it really was was God taking that temptation out of my life so that I could focus more on Him?

After everything that happened I still had about 2 weeks left of break. I started working back at the original Chick-Fil-A store that I started out at, and it opened up opportunity for me to get back friendships I had with friends there. Working at this other Chick-Fil-A is actually the best thing that happened to me over break. I didn't realize how much I loved and missed these group of friends. My break after that was filled with bowling, laser tag, food and campfires where we read stories, told stories and laughed. It was the best 2 weeks I had had in a long time. And even better it took my mind off of what had happened at the beginning of the break.

Proverbs 18:25 comes to mind "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

These sweet friends I have have stuck closer than a brother. I love them and they're awesome. However, they're not perfect, I'm not perfect, we will mess up, there will continue to be fights. It's something I understand now, though. Friends are great, but Jesus is forever. So I guess you could say my New Years Resolution is to stop putting the weight of Jesus' job on others shoulders when I know they can't hold it.

~Link Life~