I Can't Blog: Link Year Learning

~ I'm pretty tired of sweetening things up and making everything honky dory (is that a real phrase), so this blog is going to be raw. It's going to be real. It's what I'm actually learning and what is actually happening in my life and walk with Christ. ~

This past week and a half at Link has been filled with many emotions and thoughts and feelings. The good, the bad and the confusing. I mean, it's not like it really caught me by surprise too much. I knew that feelings would happen while being at Link and I knew that God would work on things in my heart. Link is a great place where we get deep into life and the Bible. So I knew coming into this program that I was going to have to face some stuff that I had hidden inside and didn't want to really face. Well, that happened. And it's been tough. I don't typically like to admit that I have feelings and that things are wrong. Recently I've had to admit it though, that stuff is happening that I'm not okay with and that is keeping me from having the relationship with God that I want. The good part about learning about feelings and what not, is that by confronting them and learning how to deal with them, I've been able to be honest with myself, God and others for the first time in a while.

So. I'm depressed. That's a thing. And it's a thing that has happened for a while, I'd say since sophomore year. Up until recently it's been minor and has just been hiding out inside me and didn't cause too much damage, but was almost always there. I don't know what has caused it to escalate, but it has. And it's annoying and weird and I don't like it. It's not Link Year. Link Year hasn't caused it to escalate what-so-ever. I've actually never been happier since being here. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be apart of this program and learn the things that I am learning here. I've made awesome new friendships and I'm meeting the coolest people ever. I've honestly never been happier, but I've also never been sadder. So that's the confusing part. I don't understand how I can feel like this in a place that shows so much love and support. It's weird.

One of the biggest things I've learned is something that I finally realized and made my self listen to yesterday. It was a few things. One of them being our fantastic and fearless leader, Brian Wang, who is speaking to us this week about: The Act of Following Christ in a World That Pulls You Down. In all honesty, Brian has been my favorite speaker since the beginning of Link. I haven't been bored during his lessons, I've actually taken notes that I can look back on, and the stuff he is saying is true and coming from the heart. In the midst of him explaining self-denial and what it looks like to take up the cross daily like it says in Luke 9:23, he said something that really hit me. I mean, it's not a new idea, I've heard it a lot.

"You screw-ups, get over yourself. Christ is so much more than you can ever imagine. Nothing can push Christ away from you. He knew what he was buying when he sent his son on the cross. So get over yourself." -Bwang

Like, it's so true though. There are many factors as to why I have become depressed, but one of them is definitely me remembering my past/current mistakes and how stupid I was to make them. Constantly thinking of that not only makes me extremely selfish by only thinking of myself, but also says that I don't think the cross was enough. Ya know? Not only that, but after class yesterday I thought a lot about me and also just anyone who thinks that they're not good enough for Christ. I don't remember exactly what it was he said, but one of our past speakers, BJ Thompson touched on this a little. He talked about how people think that God doesn't really love them unconditionally, that we constantly try to do works to get Him to love us. He asked us what our reaction would be to our future children if we realized they thought that we would only love them if they continually worked for it. I would be heart-broken. To even think that my kids thought that I didn't love them? I would ask myself what I was doing wrong, was I not being a good enough parent? Like, immediately after coming to that conclusion, I shut-up. God has done so much for us, like, He came down from Heaven, where he was in a super tight throne, ruling over all, and chilled in a smelly, cold manger with animals. He was ridiculed, beaten, and crucified for a bunch of lousy, un-thankful brats, but did it because He loved us. And like Brian said, He knew what he was dying for. He knew that I was going to get drunk. He knew that I was going to smoke weed. He knew that I was going to have unhealthy relationships with boys. And despite knowing all that I've done, all that I'm doing and all that I'm going to do, He said I love her and she's worth it. Then, after all that, I have the nerve to say that I'm not good enough, that He doesn't want me. Like, holy crap y'all. How could I think like that. How could I say that God doesn't love me? After everything that He did, is doing and that I know He is going to do? Like, how dare I?

I can't stop being a sinner. That part of me is not going to go away until I am with God in Heaven living the ultimate life (talk about a MTV Cribs episode). However, I can stop saying I'm not good enough for Him. Because saying that is saying His sacrifice wasn't good enough for me. I can continue building my relationship with Him. I can continually study His word. He can love me and I can love Him. I don't deserve it, yeah, none of us do. The only thing we actually, really, truly deserve is Hell.(Romans 6:23) Heaven is a gift that we don't deserve. Every day we live here on earth, every blessing and yes, even every trial, is a gift and better than we deserve. But that's the cool thing about God, He loves us so much, He's going to give us the coolest present ever. Eternal life with Him.

So that's what I've been learning this week. I'm also learning how to better handle my money, which if you know anything about me, it is something that is very much needed.

~Link Life~