Nail Biting Faith

It's something I do every day, pretty much every second and something that I've done since before I can remember.

I bite my nails.

Every now and then I'll attempt to stop biting them, but it always comes back to the same nubby ending. It's been at the point for a while where I don't even notice anymore that I'm biting them, it's apart of life now, I can't go with out it. Now, am I sounding a bit over dramatic about biting my nails? Maybe, but I really am addicted to it so whatever. 

So, I'm sitting there after The Fort listening to the Q&A session with Adam Donyes, I'm biting my nails and listening to everything that is being said and I look down at my nails, or lack of. Even when I don't have any nail to bite at, I still continue to try and find some part of it I can attack with my teeth. I looked at my nubs for a little and thought of something. This is how I want my faith and life to look like. Now, maybe I'm going a little to far to try and make a metaphor for faith, but it's honestly what immediately came to mind, so I'm gonna roll with it.

I do it so much I forget I'm doing it, it's so much apart of life that it's changed the appearance of my nails from normal, non-bitten nails, I always know that even if it looks like there is no nail to bite, I will find something. Okay, yes, after typing this all out I've realized how kind of gross and just weird this is, but again, still going to roll with it because it makes sense in my mind. 

I want to be faithful and so much in the word that I don't even notice that I'm doing it anymore (not in a "I don't want to know I'm doing it" but more in a like "it's become so natural that I don't even think of it as something that I need to do and so it's just like muscle memory and so natural to do") I want to be changed by Christ to where, like my nails, I don't act or look like I did before. How do I do that though? Well, I assume it means actually putting it into play after I click the Publish button on this blog. I assume it means being in the Word daily and constantly praying and working on my relationship with Christ. I assume it means walking rather than talking. It's something I've always struggled with actually committing to, it's a good thing I'm at a place where we do that every day then, get it into practice before I leave so it's that muscle memory thing I was talking about. Right?

F•R•I•E•N•D•S

We're gonna start this shen-dig off with this:

 "Make as many friends as you can, but don’t build your life on them alone. It’s an unstable foundation." - Sean Covey

There were a few friendships that I had that I built my life on. I didn't know it at the time, but it's become clear to me after the friendships have ended, how much I truly depended on them. I went to them for approval and my confidence depended on how they viewed me. They probably didn't know it, actually, I'm almost positive that they didn't know just how much I relied on them. To make a long story short, one of the friends was a guy I dated and the other was a woman who was like a mentor to me for years and someone I could always go to for advice. They ended up dating, I'm left on the side hated by both because of rumors going around saying that I was talking bad about them. The reason I tell this story isn't to put them on blast, they aren't going to read this, not many people even know who they are. I say this because people aren't perfect and they make mistakes and they yell at you. The good thing about all this is that there is one who is perfect and will never make a mistake and will never leave you and will always be there for you no matter what has happened.

Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10 says: "feat not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Is that not comforting? In times when you feel broken down, when things just aren't going how you want them, when you feel like you just can't go on anymore. "I will strengthen you, I will help you". Having my best friend and the girl who I went to for everything tell me they don't want to be a friend to me at all anymore for dumb rumors that were spread, that hit pretty hard. Not gonna lie, I spent countless nights crying, unsure of why this would happen, confused on if I even wanted them in my life at all anymore, I was a wreck. Thankfully, I go to this amazing school that assigns books for us to read over break. The book that I was assigned to read (along with the other students going to fiji) is one called Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian. It's a great book and I highly recommend it. Anyway, while reading it, a certain quote jumped out at me and slapped me in the face. 

“Your pain could be God prying open your life and heart to remove a gift of His that you've been holding on to more dearly than Him.”  - Jesus + Nothing = Everything

It hit me. It was absolutely right. I had been holding onto those friends, the guy in particular, and shoving God way way down below him. My priorities were wack, my judgment clouded, these friendships weren't healthy or fruitful. So, how can I be mad about what happened when what it really was was God taking that temptation out of my life so that I could focus more on Him?

After everything that happened I still had about 2 weeks left of break. I started working back at the original Chick-Fil-A store that I started out at, and it opened up opportunity for me to get back friendships I had with friends there. Working at this other Chick-Fil-A is actually the best thing that happened to me over break. I didn't realize how much I loved and missed these group of friends. My break after that was filled with bowling, laser tag, food and campfires where we read stories, told stories and laughed. It was the best 2 weeks I had had in a long time. And even better it took my mind off of what had happened at the beginning of the break. 

Proverbs 18:25 comes to mind "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

These sweet friends I have have stuck closer than a brother. I love them and they're awesome. However, they're not perfect, I'm not perfect, we will mess up, there will continue to be fights. It's something I understand now, though. Friends are great, but Jesus is forever. So I guess you could say my New Years Resolution is to stop putting the weight of Jesus' job on others shoulders when I know they can't hold it. 

~Link Life~

A 9 hour drive to move the sister into her new apartment resulted in multiple car pictures

He was weirded out because he didn't know the snow would be cold......

What's different?

Found a precious puppy at the mall and almost bought it. Please mom??

Jordan and I put a tutu on Juan

Inside of my new fort

Outside of my new fort

Drive like squad. Right?

They're a cute couple and warm because of fun campfires.

How Are You Though?

You hear that question so many times. 

You walk past someone on campus: "How you doing?"

You create conversation in awkward silences: "How you doing?"

You go through the drive-thru at Taco Bell: "Hi, how are you?"

I ask it all the time to other people as well. However, very few time is it actually a genuine question. Very seldom do I actually care enough to listen to how their life is going and what all is going on. 

I've been so fortunate to have been able to have some really special and rare people in my life that actually crave to hear about other peoples lives and how they can in anyway be praying for them. These people, I believe, are ones that make the world a better place. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been appreciating people more than usual. Any nice deed that is done, I just sit back and think "Wow. That was really nice. It's cool to see people be nice." Imma be straight up, about 97% of the time I ask people how they're doing, I don't care at all how they're doing, I'm just doing it so it's not a one sided conversation. Honestly, if someone where to comment on my quick "How's it going" with a long and honest response to how it was going, I would most likely continue to walk away. I'm not the best with feelings and words so that is, if we're being honest, what I would do. Sorry. 

Other people, however, the ones that ask how you are doing and then when you respond with a short "Good, good, what about you", they say again "No. How are you really doing". Those who genuinely care about what's going on and want to hear you tell them stuff, like wow. Those people just blow my mind. I mean, I'm writing an entire blog post about them because I think that they are such a cool type of people. Recently I had a pretty big argument with one of my closest friends and mentors. This girl has been in my life almost 2 years and has taught me so much about life, work and Jesus. Things were said on both ends that should not have been said and were not meant. I am so thankful to have her still here though and have a friend as forgiving as her because less than 24 hours later I was blessed with her forgiveness and love and I believe that our friendship is stronger than ever now because of this. People like that amaze me. People that show God's love and forgiveness in every aspect of their lives, no matter how hard it is.

That's just a little nugget of what I've learned this week. That friends are good. Genuineness is good. God is good.

~Link Life~

No pictures posted because my picture taking has been not a thing oops.

You can be mean, or nice, you choose.

“If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” 

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I've learned so much while here at Link Year. I've learned about the history of the Bible. About other religions. Learned how to make a Christ Centered Life Plan. Even how to answer questions that seem to attack Christianity. 

Another one of the things I've learned while here, is something that I've really always known, but never wanted to admit was real. That being:

People are mean

No matter where you go, no matter who you are with, there's always going to be mean people.

Now, I'm not saying that Link Year is full of awful, mean, angry people. But I kind of am, because like Romans 3:10 says "As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one;" (NIV). None of us are good people. However, just because we aren't good people, doesn't mean that we can't be nice people. That's something I think that this world as a whole needs to understand more, and me, I need to understand it more too.


Having a class of just 57 students, you can imagine that drama forms along with cliques and attitudes. People start being sassy (not the cute, fun, I'm-your-friend sassy.), they talk about people behind their backs, they make fun of other people, it's not fun. Lately, I've been seeing in my fellow classmates, but also in myself as well, Satan convincing us that people are only worth liking if they match what we want them to be. If they talk too much, they're annoying. If they talk too little, they're awkward. If you don't like what they say, you respond with anger and defensiveness. It's honestly creating such a divide between the students here, and I don't think some of them care. That's whats scares me. 


In my own opinion, I think we all need to stop thinking about what is wrong with other people and why we don't like them, and start thinking about why God loves them and how we can see it too. Again, I'm not saying that I'm nice to everyone, I have many times rolled my eyes at someones comments, talked badly about someone behind their back etc. Recently after I would say something or act rudely, I've started to realize just how unnecessary and stupid I'm being. Is me not liking how they act going to change them? I really hope not! God created them perfectly, no matter who it is. By saying we don't like someone or how they act or how they dress whatever it is, we are directly saying to God that He did a crappy job at making them and He needs to do better in the future. How awful does that sound?


I really wish that this wasn't a problem in our society. But sadly it is and there's really nothing we can do about it. Satan is the ruler of this world and he's having a blast turning people against each other and ruining relationships for stupid reasons. The worst thing that happens, is when people automatically assume something about someone they have exchanged 2 sentences with. Basically, judging a book by it's cover. I've learned that here. Someone is a completely different person when you get deep and understand them and what they have been through in their life. It's really fascinating. Finding out how they grew up and certain things that they have been through, makes you realize why they act certain ways. One of my favorite quotes about people comes from a guy named Dave Berry, he says:

“There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.” 

Did you get that? If not please re-read it. When I first read that, I felt so convicted. I had been staring at the surface of people, looking into the reflection of myself and seeing the difference between us and finding different reasons why I didn't like them. I've gotten underwater with some people here, and because of that, my entire first impression has changed because of that. Because I understood them. It's like I'm starting to get the whole point of them. 

Sadly, there's always going to be conflict here on earth. There's always going to be people we don't like. The cool thing about that, though, is that Jesus didn't have our attitude towards people when he died on the cross for us. He didn't just die for the people who he liked 24/7. I can bet that when Judas turned Jesus in, I bet Jesus wasn't the biggest fan of Judas, I doubt he liked him that much in that moment, BUT, He still loved him. As Christians, aren't we all trying to be more and more like Christ each day? Isn't that in most of yall's daily prayer or something? I know I've heard it countless times "I pray you make us more like you each day.".  I hear people say that all the time. Well, if you want to be more like Christ, try loving everyone, along with countless other things too, but this is what my blog is about so this is my main point. So love people like Christ loved us. Or really try to at least, start trying to catch yourself when you know you're being rude to someone, or you're talking bad about someone or making fun of them. ESPECIALLY if you don't know them. 

Also. If you live in Branson and didn't know that the Panda Express is open by Target, now you do. Go, eat, live. 

~Link Life~

[I surprised my brother at home for his 8th birthday. I want to take a nap right now so I don't want to figure out how to download a facebook video to get on this thing so here's the link if you really want to see it.]

 https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=944401358908183&set=vb.100000149845155&type=2&theater

I said goodbye to a great car this weekend.

And hello to another great car.

My small group is still so cute.

And so is my new tattoo sleeve. No, it's not real, but I wear it like it is.

Link Year Learning

 ~ I'm pretty tired of sweetening things up and making everything honky dory (is that a real phrase), so this blog is going to be raw. It's going to be real. It's what I'm actually learning and what is actually happening in my life and walk with Christ. ~

This past week and a half at Link has been filled with many emotions and thoughts and feelings. The good, the bad and the confusing. I mean, it's not like it really caught me by surprise too much. I knew that feelings would happen while being at Link and I knew that God would work on things in my heart. Link is a great place where we get deep into life and the Bible. So I knew coming into this program that I was going to have to face some stuff that I had hidden inside and didn't want to really face. Well, that happened. And it's been tough. I don't typically like to admit that I have feelings and that things are wrong. Recently I've had to admit it though, that stuff is happening that I'm not okay with and that is keeping me from having the relationship with God that I want. The good part about learning about feelings and what not, is that by confronting them and learning how to deal with them, I've been able to be honest with myself, God and others for the first time in a while.

So. I'm depressed. That's a thing. And it's a thing that has happened for a while, I'd say since sophomore year. Up until recently it's been minor and has just been hiding out inside me and didn't cause too much damage, but was almost always there. I don't know what has caused it to escalate, but it has. And it's annoying and weird and I don't like it. It's not Link Year. Link Year hasn't caused it to escalate what-so-ever. I've actually never been happier since being here. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be apart of this program and learn the things that I am learning here. I've made awesome new friendships and I'm meeting the coolest people ever. I've honestly never been happier, but I've also never been sadder. So that's the confusing part. I don't understand how I can feel like this in a place that shows so much love and support. It's weird.

One of the biggest things I've learned is something that I finally realized and made my self listen to yesterday. It was a few things. One of them being our fantastic and fearless leader, Brian Wang, who is speaking to us this week about: The Act of Following Christ in a World That Pulls You Down. In all honesty, Brian has been my favorite speaker since the beginning of Link. I haven't been bored during his lessons, I've actually taken notes that I can look back on, and the stuff he is saying is true and coming from the heart. In the midst of him explaining self-denial and what it looks like to take up the cross daily like it says in Luke 9:23, he said something that really hit me. I mean, it's not a new idea, I've heard it a lot.

"You screw-ups, get over yourself. Christ is so much more than you can ever imagine. Nothing can push Christ away from you. He knew what he was buying when he sent his son on the cross. So get over yourself." -Bwang

Like, it's so true though. There are many factors as to why I have become depressed, but one of them is definitely me remembering my past/current mistakes and how stupid I was to make them. Constantly thinking of that not only makes me extremely selfish by only thinking of myself, but also says that I don't think the cross was enough. Ya know? Not only that, but after class yesterday I thought a lot about me and also just anyone who thinks that they're not good enough for Christ. I don't remember exactly what it was he said, but one of our past speakers, BJ Thompson touched on this a little. He talked about how people think that God doesn't really love them unconditionally, that we constantly try to do works to get Him to love us. He asked us what our reaction would be to our future children if we realized they thought that we would only love them if they continually worked for it. I would be heart-broken. To even think that my kids thought that I didn't love them? I would ask myself what I was doing wrong, was I not being a good enough parent? Like, immediately after coming to that conclusion, I shut-up. God has done so much for us, like, He came down from Heaven, where he was in a super tight throne, ruling over all, and chilled in a smelly, cold manger with animals. He was ridiculed, beaten, and crucified for a bunch of lousy, un-thankful brats, but  did it because He loved us. And like Brian said, He knew what he was dying for. He knew that I was going to get drunk. He knew that I was going to smoke weed. He knew that I was going to have unhealthy relationships with boys. And despite knowing all that I've done, all that I'm doing and all that I'm going to do, He said I love her and she's worth it. Then, after all that, I have the nerve to say that I'm not good enough, that He doesn't want me. Like, holy crap y'all. How could I think like that. How could I say that God doesn't love me? After everything that He did, is doing and that I know He is going to do? Like, how dare I?

I can't stop being a sinner. That part of me is not going to go away until I am with God in Heaven living the ultimate life (talk about a MTV Cribs episode). However, I can stop saying I'm not good enough for Him. Because saying that is saying His sacrifice wasn't good enough for me. I can continue building my relationship with Him. I can continually study His word. He can love me and I can love Him. I don't deserve it, yeah, none of us do. The only thing we actually, really, truly deserve is Hell.(Romans 6:23) Heaven is a gift that we don't deserve. Every day we live here on earth, every blessing and yes, even every trial, is a gift and better than we deserve. But that's the cool thing about God, He loves us so much, He's going to give us the coolest present ever. Eternal life with Him. 

So that's what I've been learning this week. I'm also learning how to better handle my money, which if you know anything about me, it is something that is very much needed. 

~Link Life~

 

This is Koda, Joe White's dog. If someone can explain this to me.....

We visited Kaite and work and Mack killed me 4 times in pool. So.

"It's okay to not be okay." -Donyes

We had a movie night with the squad. Chase wanted popcorn.

These are my best friends that I have made. We do fun things.

We matched one time.

Sin=Sin

I wrote a blog a while back concerning this very same topic. It’s the topic that is discussed the most worldwide. It’s the topic that almost every single person on each side does not understand. It’s the topic where most people are on a side simply to be on a side.

Homosexuality.

Stop. Before you even think the words “oh that’s a sin” I’m gonna need to you to stop.

You weren’t expecting that^ little sentence, huh? But lets be honest, that’s what first came to mind.

Now, I’m not saying that homosexuality isn’t a sin. Saying that would completely 100% contradict what scripture says. The bible clearly states that it is a sin. That’s not what this blog is about.

All Sins Are Equal

Say it with me this time. Out loud. I don’t care where you are; I don’t care who you’re with. Make sure you hear it.

ALL SINS ARE EQUAL

Gossip= adultery= gluttony=lying=murder=sexual-immorality=homosexuality=idolizing=sin

Currently I am attending a Gap Year program in Branson, Missouri called “Link Year”. While I’ve been here, as you can imagine, many conversations have started about the topic of homosexuality. I’ve heard many views from both sides, some views that made sense, others that did not. The biggest thing that still makes me think when it comes to Christians and homosexuality is this: Why do we (the majority of Christians) hate so harshly on homosexuality, yet praise other sins such as idolatry, gossip, gluttony?

Re-read that last part if you have to, but then really think about it.

Netflix. How many times do you tweet or talk about how much you love Netflix but also how you hate it because you spend all your time on it? Before you say, “well, I think that’s a little extreme to say that I’m idolizing it just because I love it.”

            i·dol·a·try - worship of idols, extreme admiration, love, or reverence for something or someone.

Twitter. All the subtweets you see and take part in. What do you think that is?

            gos·sip - casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

Thanksgiving.  Now calm down, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. But lets get real.

            glut·ton·y -  habitual greed or excess in eating.

In 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 it says this:

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,¹⁰ nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” (ESV)

Alright. So, most of the time when people are being jerks and are bashing the heck out of homosexuals, they will put that verse out there. Yes, it does say in black and white ink that people who practice homosexuality will not inherit the kingdom of God. But neither will the sexually immoral, idolaters, adulters, ect. Like, read the rest of the verse guys. You know what it says? All sinners. So, sorry Westboro Baptist guys, looks like Gays aren’t the only ones going to Hell. We all are. Right?

No.

Yes we all deserve Hell, it is the only thing that we will ever deserve. However, Because of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for Him we have the overwhelmingly, fantastic, this-is-so-crazy-awesome, opportunity to believe in Him and spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

Most people when reading 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 will leave out the most important part. Verse 11.

“And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (ESV)

That doesn’t say just the greedy or sexually immoral are washed and sanctified. It talks of every single sin. No matter what sin you’re in right now, were in in the past, or will be in the future; You are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God, if you believe in Jesus as your one true Savior.

I’m going to cut this blog off here because I have to study for school and brush my teeth and be hygienic and what not. However, I hope that this made sense. I also hope that if you are gay and you are reading this, that you do realize that being gay doesn’t mean you are constantly sinning, but that you are constantly a sinner in need of a Savior, just like every single other person on this earth. I hope that people who are homophobic or just do not understand homosexuality at all gained a new perspective. I pray that the day will come when everyone will finally realize no one person is better than another, and in reality, we are all dirty, awful, sinners with one perfect, amazing God waiting for us to come home. 

~Link Life~

It was parents weekend and my favorite nugget came to be my friend

But aren't we just the cutest siblings?

We rode in Ali's trunk again

No, it hasn't started snowing yet. Yes, I bought a sled.

TGIF consisted of riding my Heely's down hills at Dogwood and taking artsy pics of reflections

 

Link rn

I don't know y'all. There's been a lot of emotions and feelings and thoughts that have never been there these past few weeks here at link. It's scary, but I know God's putting me through it for a reason. As hard as it seems to keep believing that, it's what I have to do.

 What I have learned from this past week though, is that friends are cool people. Sometimes they do stuff that really irritates you, sometimes you do stuff that really irritates them. Thankfully, the friends here, understand forgiveness and are able to give and accept it easier than most people I know. I'm able to be real with people face to face for the first time and able to listen to other peoples struggles and actually get to know them. It's not like kamp, we're not with each other for just a month. It's 9 months, so far it's been almost 2 months and relationships keep growing. Don't get me wrong, it's hard at times, real hard, but I think I'm slowly starting to open up with people and I think that's a good thing. I don't really do it that often, but this week it's something I've been forced to do multiple times, and it's actually not as bad as I thought it was. So, S/O to that and to cool people at Link who love Jesus and love talking about Jesus and S/O to krispey Kreme discounts. With out them, Link wouldn't be the same, and Monday morning accountability breakfast wouldn't be the same.

~Link Life~

I longboarded into a freshly painted parking lot

There's still some tar on my body.

I haven't moved my darts yet because I'm so proud of doing this

I snuck away from small groups monday and got inside a giant bass

Joe White gave me $60 on his birthday and wouldn't let me say no. So.....

This is my small group. we're cute

Courtney came. So ice cream was necessary